#6 - Reading Material
I'm still awake. My stomach hurts and my back is tingling, but at least my nauseating headache is gone. Chyah, awesome right? It's weird, I feel like my body is malfunctioning. This year especially; me and the housemates are blaming this college town. My skin has been terrible. I've been having back problems for 2 months now. I always seem to have some sort of bruise on my leg. I've been some sort of funky sick for a week now. Looks like I'm overdue for a visit to the health center, not my fault they only make same-day appointments. It is my fault that my sleeping schedule is so screwed up again that I don't wake up early enough to make one. I did so well the first week of school. I slept before 11 one night! If you know me and my sleeping schedule, dude, that is amazing.
I don't really know what I'm trying to talk about here, but SOMEBODY told me to do some blogging. Yea, about that, I've been meaning to for a while. I've been having trouble being productive and keeping on top of things. There's a million things on my to-do list: things that I want to do every day, things that I want to do weekly, goals, a whole bundle of things I need to work on, and blah dee blah. School is on top of my list, yet I haven't been treating it that way. Number 2: health, I need to take better care of myself. I've been eating healthier foods, but my schedule is all off and I haven't hit the gym in months (That one time for 20 minutes doesn't count.) I'm so out of shape.
Hmm, I should talk about something else. Ummm......I'm blanking here. This is number six of the twenty-five. I've told this to a lot of people already; I'm terrible at seeing people. You know like, if I'm walking on campus, on the sidewalk, in a store, or in the hall and a friend is in my field of vision...yea. I've had friends that were with me go, "Anna, I think someone is waving at you." Whoops.
Usually when people get angry, they lose their temper, yell, and whatnot. I cry. This has only happened once in my life; anger is an emotion that escapes me. I'm sad to say that it was my dad that pushed all the wrong buttons and I ended up slamming the front door as I left the house. (I was getting ready to leave anyway.) What he said is not important and I'm in no position to criticize my dad. He has the kind of strength that I'll never have. Anyway, as our "argument" was ensuing, he didn't raise his voice neither did I. It was in our tones; he was impatient and I was irritated. I hadn't even made it a block away from my house when tears made their way to my eyes. I don't remember how long I was angry, for sure less than an hour. Guilt was mixed into my emotions soon after the tears. I felt really bad for slamming the door and leaving, even if I was leaving for work. It was not a happy day at work. I was scared to go home. My mom totally saved me though; I love my mom. She called me on her way home from work to ask if I needed a ride home. I was so relieved, I didn't want to go home and it be just my dad and me. I wanted some sort of buffer. So we went home together and it was like nothing happened. Once again I was all worried for nothing. Ha.
Going with that, my parents have never yelled at me. I don't remember them ever yelling at me as a kid, at my brother yea, but not me. My mom always said we were really good kids. Yea, I was a docile child. Heck, growing up sometimes I felt like I was the eldest child instead of my brother, that meanie, and I wasn't the only one that felt that way. My mom sort of yelled at me once back in high school. And my dad totally gave me that tone, but I didn't do anything except open the locked front door for my brother. I know, it defeated the purpose of my dad locking the door when my brother stayed out late. So yea, I think if anyone were ever to yell at me, I would cry.
Yelling is an ugly thing.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
#3 - My Dream Job
My mom babysat for over 20 years at home, from a little before my brother was born until I was 18. Typically she babysat couple month old babies to 2-3 year old toddlers about 2-5 kids at any one time. How I miss coming home to play with the little kiddies. You don't even know, not to sound like a creeper, I used to play with them every day. I remember taking them to our backyard and playing with bubbles. So adorable. I remember acting like a fool, making faces, running around just to get them to laugh, one of the cutestest things ever. Totally worth it too. I remember times when they didn't want to leave with their parents. Aww, sweetie pies. I remember them pounding on my door while I was doing homework to come out and play. OK! I remember how it took time and patience to win over the initially shy. It's the best feeling and in the process they win me over too. I remember...things I can't put to words. Things that are trademark baby expressions and gestures. Their enthusiasm when they first get to taste food, they get so excited. Endearing to the fullest.
Alice, Tina, Laura, Patrick, DJ, Josephine, Virginia, Kent, Maggie, Marlene, Sunny, Johnathan, Aaron, Anthony, Nicole, Mun Mun, Wai Wai, Jackie, Richard, Cecelia, Ivy, Eric, and some I don't remember their names because we used nicknames and it's been so long. Tina is 3-4 years older than me. My brother and I used to go to her house down the block when we were in elementary school. She was wonderful; she's given me more things in those few years than my brother has my whole life. My mom used to bring my lunch to school during lunchtime in kindergarten, she would bring Patrick and DJ along. Josephine was a spunky one and such a cutie pie. I still have this casssete tape of my brother and me trying to get her to talk. My grandma comes in telling me to sleep with her because she won't take a nap while we were recording that. That was funny, I was about 7. Ah, Virginia and her brother Kent. We used to chant "Virginia! La-la-la-la!" I remember this was specifically back in second grade. I remember Anthony's first words were "Jehjeh", calling me instead of "Mama" or "Dada". It was so cute! At the same time I felt kinda bad ahaha. Wai Wai was a smart one and utterly adorable. I used to say "I'm going to tickle you!" and he would say "No" like, "Loooooooooooo!"
Anyway, ahhh they're so cute! Yea, anyway, my dream job. I want to babysit. That is if I had to pick a job right now with my current qualifications and while I'm still working on my undergrad, I would be a babysitter. That and something retail related. Yep. Oh! I'm going to try to sell stuff on etsy.com too, that would be working towards my dream dream job. *smiles*
Alice, Tina, Laura, Patrick, DJ, Josephine, Virginia, Kent, Maggie, Marlene, Sunny, Johnathan, Aaron, Anthony, Nicole, Mun Mun, Wai Wai, Jackie, Richard, Cecelia, Ivy, Eric, and some I don't remember their names because we used nicknames and it's been so long. Tina is 3-4 years older than me. My brother and I used to go to her house down the block when we were in elementary school. She was wonderful; she's given me more things in those few years than my brother has my whole life. My mom used to bring my lunch to school during lunchtime in kindergarten, she would bring Patrick and DJ along. Josephine was a spunky one and such a cutie pie. I still have this casssete tape of my brother and me trying to get her to talk. My grandma comes in telling me to sleep with her because she won't take a nap while we were recording that. That was funny, I was about 7. Ah, Virginia and her brother Kent. We used to chant "Virginia! La-la-la-la!" I remember this was specifically back in second grade. I remember Anthony's first words were "Jehjeh", calling me instead of "Mama" or "Dada". It was so cute! At the same time I felt kinda bad ahaha. Wai Wai was a smart one and utterly adorable. I used to say "I'm going to tickle you!" and he would say "No" like, "Loooooooooooo!"
Anyway, ahhh they're so cute! Yea, anyway, my dream job. I want to babysit. That is if I had to pick a job right now with my current qualifications and while I'm still working on my undergrad, I would be a babysitter. That and something retail related. Yep. Oh! I'm going to try to sell stuff on etsy.com too, that would be working towards my dream dream job. *smiles*
Sunday, September 13, 2009
#2 - These Are My Confessions
In fifth grade I lied to my teacher. The whole class was sitting on the rug in the middle of the room while my teacher, Ms. Gramstorff, was collecting the homework. Uh oh, I forgot to do it. She gets to me and I tell her "I left it at home." She doesn't mind! *phew* I think she told me I could turn it in tomorrow. Oh no, the classmate in front of me spurts out the same excuse, but she doesn't excuse him! I think he asked why do I get to be excused. Then she gets throws-her-chalk-across-the-room angry. She says because I always turn in my homework. I did and got top-of-the-class good grades too. I still remember the look on his face. His name was Brandon S. I felt so bad. I didn't even fess up. How could I? If I did, it would have made my teacher look bad. It didn't help that I was scared. I just realized I could have gone and told her after class! I didn't know any better though, I was just a kid. *sigh*
Do you know those times when someone cries so hard and it turns into hiccuping cries? I only remember that happening to me once. It was my junior year of high school. I was making the rounds of talking to my teachers about my frequent absences, I missed at least a month of school all together. I asked if I could make up the work I missed and all that fun stuff. I already cried when I saw my counselor, when I saw the school nurse (my counselor made me go see her...more than once *makes face*), when I talked to my AP environmental science teacher (my first class), and when I talked to my Latin teacher (my second class). Ugh, how embarrassing! Traitor tears! I never cried in front of people. I was already upset to begin with about how I'd been sick and I'm not going to go into the other stuff that made me cry myself to sleep for a good month.
My Latin teacher didn't excuse me for the work I missed or offer me any makeup work. The school record for my attendance one week seemed like I only cut his class for the most part, which wasn't the case, not all teachers are scrupulous about taking attendance. I kept trying to explain to him, but he wouldn't have it. He told me to leave and don't come back to class. I left. The heck? So much for claiming time and time again about having a good memory teach. I'd already been in his class for two and a half years. Have I ever cut class? No. Have I ever acted out of line? No. Oh, I was crying the whole time in class and when I was talking to him too.
I had art class next. I think this was the time I cried in the bathroom instead of going to class. Goodness, I don't know how I could even cry that much. I finally went to talk to my art teacher after class was over. Somehow that's when I lost control of my crying. *sigh* I think it was a combination of how stressed out I was and her motherly reaction. She was patient with me and not overly sympathizing. I ended up telling her about what happened with my Latin teacher. She told me that she heard he's really weird and he's a jerk. Ahaha. I needed to hear that. After that I ate lunch with my bests like nothing happened. I'm sorry guys. I can't promise that I won't do it again, but I'm trying my best to reach that middle ground.
The dean walked me to my Latin class the next day. Whoopdeedoo. Cause I would never ever want to miss Latin class with my favorite teacher!
This is when it all started. Well when things started showing on the surface. You know what I realized then? Life doesn't stop to wait for you to catch up. Things keep happening, whether you're ready or not. Life goes on, so should you. So should I. And I swear, I'm not a cry baby. This was holy purple guacamole, lost on the moon out of the norm. Oh yea or well you know, oh no. Huh, now that I think about it, I haven't really told anyone about this...not getting this much into it. Now I remember how I swore to myself that I wouldn't until I could talk about it without crying. I'm stubborn, I know.
This wasn't the type of entry I was going for, the type I throw in with my other private entries. Oh, what the heck.
Do you know those times when someone cries so hard and it turns into hiccuping cries? I only remember that happening to me once. It was my junior year of high school. I was making the rounds of talking to my teachers about my frequent absences, I missed at least a month of school all together. I asked if I could make up the work I missed and all that fun stuff. I already cried when I saw my counselor, when I saw the school nurse (my counselor made me go see her...more than once *makes face*), when I talked to my AP environmental science teacher (my first class), and when I talked to my Latin teacher (my second class). Ugh, how embarrassing! Traitor tears! I never cried in front of people. I was already upset to begin with about how I'd been sick and I'm not going to go into the other stuff that made me cry myself to sleep for a good month.
My Latin teacher didn't excuse me for the work I missed or offer me any makeup work. The school record for my attendance one week seemed like I only cut his class for the most part, which wasn't the case, not all teachers are scrupulous about taking attendance. I kept trying to explain to him, but he wouldn't have it. He told me to leave and don't come back to class. I left. The heck? So much for claiming time and time again about having a good memory teach. I'd already been in his class for two and a half years. Have I ever cut class? No. Have I ever acted out of line? No. Oh, I was crying the whole time in class and when I was talking to him too.
I had art class next. I think this was the time I cried in the bathroom instead of going to class. Goodness, I don't know how I could even cry that much. I finally went to talk to my art teacher after class was over. Somehow that's when I lost control of my crying. *sigh* I think it was a combination of how stressed out I was and her motherly reaction. She was patient with me and not overly sympathizing. I ended up telling her about what happened with my Latin teacher. She told me that she heard he's really weird and he's a jerk. Ahaha. I needed to hear that. After that I ate lunch with my bests like nothing happened. I'm sorry guys. I can't promise that I won't do it again, but I'm trying my best to reach that middle ground.
The dean walked me to my Latin class the next day. Whoopdeedoo. Cause I would never ever want to miss Latin class with my favorite teacher!
This is when it all started. Well when things started showing on the surface. You know what I realized then? Life doesn't stop to wait for you to catch up. Things keep happening, whether you're ready or not. Life goes on, so should you. So should I. And I swear, I'm not a cry baby. This was holy purple guacamole, lost on the moon out of the norm. Oh yea or well you know, oh no. Huh, now that I think about it, I haven't really told anyone about this...not getting this much into it. Now I remember how I swore to myself that I wouldn't until I could talk about it without crying. I'm stubborn, I know.
This wasn't the type of entry I was going for, the type I throw in with my other private entries. Oh, what the heck.
Friday, August 7, 2009
#1 - My Number One Fear
Twenty-Five
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)
1. I got tagged for this like 5 times.
2. I went to Chinese school for 5 years. I don't remember much. ><
3. I made icing for my chocolate cake yesterday. I actually baked my cake 2 days ago, but I didn't have a cake container. I asked for one at the bakery section at Safeway. x]
4. Apparently, I clean a lot. Cleanliness makes me happy.
5. I don't ever swear, but I don't give a hang if you do.
6. I love my desserts. I think everyone knows that already. xP
7. I'm easily amused.
8. I don't feel like doing this anymore so the rest of the answers are from my awesome roomie. Thanks Fizzy Pop!
9. "You have a sonic scream that can deaf animals." LOL
10. "You like gold eye dust, that one from something..." Ah yes, very vibrant.
11. "You want a tattoo of a faerie on your back." That's what she said.
12. "You're an infamous shopper." If you ever need someone to go shopping with, call me. B]
13. "You're an owl, you stay up at night and sleep during the day." So much for trying to fix my sleeping schedule. ><
14. "You like to half-tie your hair." That's true.
15. "You like upbeat stuff." I love music.
16. "You like to sing in the showers." Only occasionally here and never at home.
17. "You like to bake yummy stuff." Aww thanks. ^^
18. "You sleep on cloud bedsheets." I like blue stuff. =]
19. "You like really cute little stuff." ^-^
20. "You're a heart breaker." =O I am not! ><
21. "You like chocolate lollipops." Mmm, chocolate is my good friend.
22. "You like water coloring and oil pastels." Dude, I should finish my painting...that I started 6 months ago...
23. "You have an artsy nature that you still haven't put to use yet." So hard to start now, but it's on my never ending to do list.
24. "You want a piercing on your helix." Do I?!
25. I will miss my roomie next quarter. Have fun in Japan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've decided to do this over again, since I didn't really do it the first time. Yea. Not tagging anyone this time around; I don't think anyone would do it anyway. New answers to come! Long answers to boot!
Starting with my numero uno fear.
No, not spiders. It's not something tangible. Though spiders and other crawlers were the first things I thought about when I realized I would be home alone for a week. "What am I going to do when there's a spider?!!!" Anyway, that's another story. And I'm not counting the general shared fears - losing our loved ones, extreme physical pain, and etc. My number one fear is being abandoned. No one is an exception. No one.
I'll remember this night for the rest of my life. It was the first night of my family vacation to my mom's hometown in China and my second time there. The first I have no recollection of; I was two. This time it was the summer of my eighth birthday. We were staying at my mom's old house. My mom put me to bed first in one of the bedrooms upstairs and she went back downstairs. She could have left for all I knew! Oh yea, I started crying and crying. She came back sometime later to get something. I don't even remember what she said to me. Something like, "What's wrong? Go to sleep." I don't think I even said anything, she left again. Oh...OK. I could sleep then and I did. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life not because it was some climatic event, but because I'm still the same way now. Thinking back on it now, why didn't she put my brother to sleep too?! He was ten and I'm pretty sure we slept at the same time. We still shared a room back then. And why did I just stay there? Really, why did I?
When I say "abandoned", I don't mean so much in a literal way. I have the apprehension that one day you'll be fed up with me and slowly start distancing yourself from me...until I'm an insignificant person of your past or just some annoying person. I don't need you to stay by me until I fall asleep or constant reassurance that you're still there. I'm not going to go looking for you to comfort me. I'll wait until you come back. If you do, that will be reassurance enough.
I try my best to be a good daughter or at least go through the motions to keep up that image. I try not to make people worry about me. I don't want you to worry. I don't want to be a burden. I try to be cheerful and optimistic. I don't want to be a downer. I try to be a good friend, a good person. Don't get me wrong. I'm being sincere in my efforts. I'm still genuinely me, just minus the side of me that is sad, troubled and hurt.
I've been working on my fears and insecurities, but it takes time to change a stubborn mindset. There are those events that make me take a step backward, some that bring me forward, leaving me confused about where I stand now. I think I'm getting to a better place...I've definitely opened up. I've tried things despite my fear. I've accepted that my fear is permanent and I've decided to not let it control me so much.
Here I want to say that I love my mom. I'm lucky to have such good friends. I don't think you realize how many times you have saved me, kept me sane, and made my day. The little things, the big things, they all make a difference. I wouldn't have survived without my family and friends. That said, I don't know how this fear of mine developed. After all, fear is learned.
What's your number one fear?
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)
1. I got tagged for this like 5 times.
2. I went to Chinese school for 5 years. I don't remember much. ><
3. I made icing for my chocolate cake yesterday. I actually baked my cake 2 days ago, but I didn't have a cake container. I asked for one at the bakery section at Safeway. x]
4. Apparently, I clean a lot. Cleanliness makes me happy.
5. I don't ever swear, but I don't give a hang if you do.
6. I love my desserts. I think everyone knows that already. xP
7. I'm easily amused.
8. I don't feel like doing this anymore so the rest of the answers are from my awesome roomie. Thanks Fizzy Pop!
9. "You have a sonic scream that can deaf animals." LOL
10. "You like gold eye dust, that one from something..." Ah yes, very vibrant.
11. "You want a tattoo of a faerie on your back." That's what she said.
12. "You're an infamous shopper." If you ever need someone to go shopping with, call me. B]
13. "You're an owl, you stay up at night and sleep during the day." So much for trying to fix my sleeping schedule. ><
14. "You like to half-tie your hair." That's true.
15. "You like upbeat stuff." I love music.
16. "You like to sing in the showers." Only occasionally here and never at home.
17. "You like to bake yummy stuff." Aww thanks. ^^
18. "You sleep on cloud bedsheets." I like blue stuff. =]
19. "You like really cute little stuff." ^-^
20. "You're a heart breaker." =O I am not! ><
21. "You like chocolate lollipops." Mmm, chocolate is my good friend.
22. "You like water coloring and oil pastels." Dude, I should finish my painting...that I started 6 months ago...
23. "You have an artsy nature that you still haven't put to use yet." So hard to start now, but it's on my never ending to do list.
24. "You want a piercing on your helix." Do I?!
25. I will miss my roomie next quarter. Have fun in Japan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've decided to do this over again, since I didn't really do it the first time. Yea. Not tagging anyone this time around; I don't think anyone would do it anyway. New answers to come! Long answers to boot!
Starting with my numero uno fear.
No, not spiders. It's not something tangible. Though spiders and other crawlers were the first things I thought about when I realized I would be home alone for a week. "What am I going to do when there's a spider?!!!" Anyway, that's another story. And I'm not counting the general shared fears - losing our loved ones, extreme physical pain, and etc. My number one fear is being abandoned. No one is an exception. No one.
I'll remember this night for the rest of my life. It was the first night of my family vacation to my mom's hometown in China and my second time there. The first I have no recollection of; I was two. This time it was the summer of my eighth birthday. We were staying at my mom's old house. My mom put me to bed first in one of the bedrooms upstairs and she went back downstairs. She could have left for all I knew! Oh yea, I started crying and crying. She came back sometime later to get something. I don't even remember what she said to me. Something like, "What's wrong? Go to sleep." I don't think I even said anything, she left again. Oh...OK. I could sleep then and I did. I'll remember that night for the rest of my life not because it was some climatic event, but because I'm still the same way now. Thinking back on it now, why didn't she put my brother to sleep too?! He was ten and I'm pretty sure we slept at the same time. We still shared a room back then. And why did I just stay there? Really, why did I?
When I say "abandoned", I don't mean so much in a literal way. I have the apprehension that one day you'll be fed up with me and slowly start distancing yourself from me...until I'm an insignificant person of your past or just some annoying person. I don't need you to stay by me until I fall asleep or constant reassurance that you're still there. I'm not going to go looking for you to comfort me. I'll wait until you come back. If you do, that will be reassurance enough.
I try my best to be a good daughter or at least go through the motions to keep up that image. I try not to make people worry about me. I don't want you to worry. I don't want to be a burden. I try to be cheerful and optimistic. I don't want to be a downer. I try to be a good friend, a good person. Don't get me wrong. I'm being sincere in my efforts. I'm still genuinely me, just minus the side of me that is sad, troubled and hurt.
I've been working on my fears and insecurities, but it takes time to change a stubborn mindset. There are those events that make me take a step backward, some that bring me forward, leaving me confused about where I stand now. I think I'm getting to a better place...I've definitely opened up. I've tried things despite my fear. I've accepted that my fear is permanent and I've decided to not let it control me so much.
Here I want to say that I love my mom. I'm lucky to have such good friends. I don't think you realize how many times you have saved me, kept me sane, and made my day. The little things, the big things, they all make a difference. I wouldn't have survived without my family and friends. That said, I don't know how this fear of mine developed. After all, fear is learned.
What's your number one fear?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
SCRAP
Earlier this month I went somewhere that I haven't been to since the end of 5th grade, that makes it 10 years ago - I was 10. It was a sort of field trip, a reward for me and my fellow recycling monitors. I've been meaning to check it out again for the longest time...for years. Boy, is it dinkier than I remembered! Like so many other places that are a part of our childhood memories. I left with an exchange of some trinkets, 2 brooches, a "special delivery" stamp, 2 cards, 6 envelopes, and a really pretty seashell for a dollar. Sweet. x]
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